(The Following is a copy of a blog from my WordPress site trying2think.wordpress.com)
Okay, I am sure you are asking why did she name her blog site “trying2think. Right now I am in a place were time is passing me by and I just want to catching a break. What I mean by catch a break is, I don't want to about the small stuff anymore. I want to start enjoying my life minus the major stressors.
Oftentimes I have so many thoughts running through my head. I want to achieve so much but feel limited by my age. I definitely don't want to repeat past mistakes.
I am a 36 year old single mom who has returned to school –thanks to federal grants and student loans. Now my problem is the money, I am scared that I won’t earn a degree due to the many obstacles that seems to plague me. I know that some folks I associate with-friends and family are waiting for me to fail. And I’ll be devastated if I fail-once again.
So let me explain a little about my educational background. I dropped out of school in the 9th grade after learning that I was pregnant. Honestly, I am so embarrassed to admit it even here on this anonymous blog. Anyway, so in 2001 I gave birth to my fifth child. I gave my second born up for adoption (another tramatic event in my life to blog about if I get the courage).
While in the hospital, my nurse explained how financially easy it was for her to go to school and become an RN. She took the time to explain about educational grants. I didn’t dare tell her that I was a high school dropout. NO way!!!
As I held my baby in that hospital bed I started to think really hard. I didn’t know how I was going to earn my GED in order to go to college being a single mother with 4 kids, including a newborn. I knew I had to at least take the first step.
Shortly after leaving the hospital, I began to research where I could get free GED tutoring. This is 2001 guys so pre-internet resources-at least for me. Most of the high schools in my area only taught GED classes in the evening. Guess what??? I didn’t have a baby sitter or transportation. Always some kind of hurdle…..sigh. After a month of bad luck and no tangible options, I laid in bed one morning with my baby who looked to me for all his needs and I cried so hard.
Why me??? Why not me??? If only my mom weren’t an abusive drunk??? If only someone loved me enough to guide me the right way? I had to get control over my anger and take charge of my future, no more babies.
Sorry I am having emotional moment. I’ll do my best to keep the emotions suppressed as I continue my story.
So I was thinking and crying. Then I had an epiphany, I thought that perhaps I could get a GED study guide and teach myself. But where could I find one at no charge. So once again, I am thinking and thinking and hmmmm….maybe the public library???
Would you believe I was too embarrassed to ask the librarian for help. I spent over an hour searching almost every aisle. Eventually I bit the bullet and asked for help, only to learn that the GED study guides was reference material and I wasn’t able to take them home. I didn’t care because I was so happy to finally find something related to the GED test preparation.
Well, after dropping my kids off to school, me and my baby went to the library everyday it was opened and I studied and I prayed the baby didn’t become fussy.
I began my GED self-test prep in April of 2001 and a few months later I found myself taking my GED test. I was scared too death and worried I would fail.
I still can’t believe I passed the exam in July-the first time I took it. After earning my GED I completed the FAFSA form and was so surprised that the grant would pay for my tuition at a local community college. I was also able to get childcare voucher to pay for daycare expenses.
I have never been on public assistance. Society assumes a black single mom with a lot of kids must be on welfare. Well I wasn't, although the assistance would have helped, my pride was too great to pay for my groceries with food stamps. Thank goodness, my pride allowed me to accept the financial aid and childcare vouchers.
The first time I walk across the Prince Georges Community college campus I fought back tears. I have a hard time explaining how empowered I felt and how my life had truly just began.
Once again that was in 2001 and I am still struggling to earn my degree. I am not going to make excuses, because I love school. I’ve been to 3 different community colleges and have over 100 credits but still don’t have a degree.
A few years ago, I was enrolled in Montgomery College's nursing program . I came so close to finishing with one class (4 CREDITS!!) away from my degree. Would you believe I ran out of financial aid. I had too many credits. Credits that I accumulated while waiting to be accepted in their competitive nursing program. I did all my required clinicals with the exception of that incomplete class.
The reality is, I took so many classes while waiting to be “excepted into the highly competitive nursing program” that when I came close to finishing, I couldn’t afford it. I know you’re asking why didn’t you go to financial aid and ask for an exception?? Well, I did but apparently I asked the wrong financial aid advisor on the wrong campus.
Initially, I went to the Takoma Park campus and tearfully explained my situation. I was on the Dean’s list and one class shy of my associate degree in nursing. Only to be told, there was nothing he could do. I left that office feeling like a failure because I had no other financial resources. I had literally threw in the towel.
I felt defeated, I regrouped and change my mindset. I was no longer going to became a RN. I couldn't believe it. What would my children think of me? Would friends and family laugh behind my back?? I can’t tell them. So I simply moved to another county in Maryland and alienated myself from everyone.
I lost my reserved space in the class due to failure to pay my tuition and was ultimately dropped from the program. I couldn’t believe all my hard work was in vain. All the late night studying for the NCLEX. I had nothing to fall back on. Everything I did was related to preparing for my nursing career.
A week before my last class was to start Fall 2006 and after being dropped from the nursing program I accepted a full time job at Lowes Home Improvement as a sales associate which paid about $12 an hour. The most I’ve made from a retailer so I guess my new education came in handy after all because it improved my communication skills.
Would you believe during the new job orientation week, I was informed by Montgomery College Rockville Campus financial aid representative that they had found money for me to complete my last class. I was so excited but it was too late. My space was given to another nursing student.
I took 2 years off from school thinking I could never afford to go back and by accident learned I qualified for financial aid at another school here in Baltimore-no matter how many credits were on my transcript.
Yay!!!! My faith was restored and I am now back in school. Thank God!!!
This particular blog is more than I planned to express. I hope it can somehow serve to inspire a single mother or anyone who may be thinking of earning their GED or going to college. It is definitely doable. Just make certain you don’t let your pride get in the way-which is what I did in the beginning of my initial studies. I didn't ask the right questions.
There’s no such thing as dumb questions, just dumb pride.
Love,
Anna Karryn
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